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What to Do When a Friend Behaves Badly
14 complications that arise between friends — and clever ways to handle them February, 2007
By Greg Clark…Real Simple.com

The Problem: Her boorish husband rubs you the wrong way.
What to Do: Definitely don’t complain to her, says Christa Schmidt, a psychologist at the University of Maryland Counseling Center, in College Park: “That will put distance between you two, because she won’t want to discuss the relationship — a major part of her life — with you.” Instead, simply rely on creative scheduling. Plan one-on-one activities with her that you know he won’t want to tag along for — a Meg Ryan movie marathon, perhaps — or organize a regular ladies’ night out.

Sample Script: “Oh, Susan, instead of the four of us going out to dinner Friday night, how about you and I treat ourselves to a pedicure tomorrow?” Exception: If her mate’s bad behavior is serious and you fear for her safety, then be direct. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, and cheating are all grounds for intervention. “Voice your concern for her as just that — concern for her, rather than an attack on her significant other,” Schmidt says. “And communicate that you will be there for her through thick and thin.”
The Problem: She gives unsolicited advice.
What to Do: Whether you address the problem in the moment — like just after she’s disparaged you for ordering fried chicken instead of grilled — or wait a few days to cool off, it is imperative that you say something if you ever want to stem her criticism. Use “I” statements to make your message seem less confrontational, suggests Schmidt, and be specific about what’s irking you.

Sample Script: “I appreciate where you’re coming from on this, and I know you care about me. But I feel judged when you give me advice. What I need from you is to listen to me and be my friend instead of critiquing my decisions.”
The Problem: She says subtly mean things about your children or spouse.
What to Do: Recognize that when a friend says, “Your Emily did surprisingly well on that test” or “Your husband got lucky with that promotion, huh?” she probably doesn’t realize she is summoning your inner grizzly. If you allow the veiled insults to continue, however, they will erode your friendship (and someone could lose an eye). So let her know that her comments hurt you. They’ll probably taper off, if not end then and there.

Sample Script: “You might not have meant it that way, but what you said about my (insert family member) was insulting to me, and it hurt my feelings.”
The Problem: You disagree with a major life decision a friend is about to make.
What to Do: Before “What are you thinking?” flies out of your mouth, clarify whether your friend wants advice or just a sympathetic ear, says Leah Ingram, author of The Everything Etiquette Book: A Modern Day Guide to Good Manners (Adams Media, $15, www.amazon.com). Even if she asks for help, you still need to tread lightly, since she probably wants her own opinions reaffirmed. Try asking her a few strategic questions to show your concern or steer her toward your perspective, suggests Don Gabor, a communications trainer and the author of Speaking Your Mind in 101 Difficult Situations (Conversation Arts Media, $13, www.amazon.com). Be careful to avoid leading questions, though, and keep your tone as innocent and genuinely inquisitive as possible. Finally, make sure you really listen to her answers; that may be what she needs most.

Sample Script: Begin with “I don’t want to butt in, but do you need me to help you figure this out, or do you just want me to listen? I’m happy to do either.” Then follow up with questions like “What does commuting from Minneapolis to Miami entail?” rather than “Won’t commuting so far mean you’ll never see your kids?”
The Problem: She always brings a third party when you have plans together.
What to Do: She may believe you want the third wheel along, so you must be direct about your wishes when you make plans, says Millie Downing, the founder and director of the Etiquette School of New England, in Medfield, Massachusetts. Let her know that you prefer to see her one-on-one sometimes, or try scheduling events on your own turf (like inviting her over for dinner) so that she can’t bring another person along casually. If you still can’t get any time alone with her, it could mean that her desire to multitask (two friends for the price of one!) outweighs her regard for your friendship. In that case, it may be time for you, too, to invest less in the relationship.

Sample Script: “I like Marie, but I miss spending time with you alone. This time I would love it to be just you and me, so we can catch up over lunch.”
The Problem: Her Champagne tastes, your beer budget.
What to Do: You order the lobster bisque; she orders the lobster. Again. If you have dinner plans, mention early on, like when you are first presented with menus, that you’ll need to go Dutch on the check, says Ingram. Then don’t split an appetizer, a bottle of wine, or anything else that may cause a what-to-pay headache.

Sample Script: “I may not have mentioned this, but I’m on a really tight budget right now. I hope you don’t mind if I ask for separate checks.”

The Problem: She asks to borrow a significant amount of money.
What to Do: Take a cue from Nancy Reagan and just say no. “Nothing is guaranteed to end a friendship faster than lending money,” says David Bach, the author of The Automatic Millionaire Homeowner (Broadway, $20, www.amazon.com) and the Finish Rich series of books. It creates an imbalance of power, and you could find yourself scrutinizing your friend’s every grande-mochaccino purchase, dropping hints about repayment, or morphing into the Mommy Warbucks of the relationship. Explain your answer as a long-standing personal policy rather than a decision specific to her situation, suggests etiquette expert Leah Ingram, and offer to help her find other ways to get what she needs.

Sample Script: “I’d love to help you get your new business off the ground, but I learned a long time ago that I’m not very good at mixing money and friendships. Can I help you research small-business grants or loan programs instead?”
The Problem: She rehashes the same problems constantly.
What to Do: Part of being a friend to someone is listening to her problems. But if you’re starting to feel like a part-time therapist, you have to take action. It may help to set an unspoken time limit — like the few minutes it takes to steep a cup of tea — for rehashing an old concern. Then step in with a direct question about why she is unwilling or unable to address the issue and move on. Afterward, steer the conversation to a more positive place. Ask her about an area of her life you know is going well (her job, her kids’ recent soccer championship), so you get on a new topic without seeming as if you don’t care about what’s happening in her life.

Sample Script: Jokingly ask, “Didn’t we play this out last month?” Or shoot straight: “What are your choices here? What is holding you back from making a decision?”
The Problem: She can’t remember answers to questions she’s asked before.
What to Do: Breathe deeply? Count to 10? OK, so she’s not an active listener. “Don’t get hot and bothered about this,” says Downing: You may feel as if she’s not paying attention, but “your friendship is more important than someone remembering every detail.” What’s more, she may actually have the information stored away in the recesses of her brain (somewhere near her ninth-grade algebra skills) and will pull it up eventually if you don’t rush to fill in the blanks for her.

Sample Script: When she asks for the 15th time, “Where did you get that jacket?” smile and say, “I don’t know, Joanne. Where was it that I got this jacket?”
The Problem: She is rude to service people.
What to Do: It is OK to have zero tolerance for a friend who barks her order at the server, says the potato-leek soup is too “potatoey,” or summons a manager for no good reason, says etiquette expert Millie Downing. On top of turning your pleasant dinner into something more like a long day in a dentist’s chair, her behavior also makes you look bad by association. Try confronting your friend, and if you fear it may happen again, take steps to circumvent the abuse. In a restaurant, “become the contact person for the server,” says Downing. “They will often scan the table looking for the most reasonable and sane person.” Look the waiter in the eye, and try to be the first to speak when your table needs water or the check.

Sample Script: When the server is out of earshot, ask your friend, “Was that really necessary? I don’t think it was his fault.”